Boxers and Brief Moments
by Flourishing Twilight
Summary: Hermione takes a potion that tells her everyone's most embarrasing moments and thoughts. She can't control her body now, but she can mock the crap out of everyone she meets. R
1. In Which Ron Tell the Moose Story

Chapter 1  
  
Don't own anything.enjoy!  
  
Professor Snape cornered the Potion's class in his normal fashion, questioning each nervous student about something that he was sure they had no clue about.  
  
"Mr. Weasley," he spat, eyeing Ron with his "evil-eye." "What is the exact speed of the hat potion after it has taken full control of the head?"  
  
Ron sat quietly as sweat poured from every part of his body. Even parts he didn't KNOW could sweat were sweating.or he could have possibly wet his pants. "Um, the exact speed of the hat potion is close to the exact speed of the ear potion, which ranges from time to time, considering the time of day, or maybe it just depends on which hat you have, or else it could depend on the structure of the head itself, which depends on what type of head you're lookin' at, such as a moose head, moose are subject to antlers though, or is it horns?" There was a pause. The Professor was banging his head against the wall. "Anyway, maybe if you divide it by the circumference of the moose, it wouldn't matter, my brother George was hit by a moose once, he was, right outside the house near the barn, and he got hit right smack in the belly button, so we couldn't tell if he was kidding or being serious until it started bleeding, and even after that we thought maybe he just picked it too much."  
  
Another pause.  
  
"A hat potion, you say?" Asked Ron questioningly. "I would say five."  
  
The whole class was staring now, as the professor stood completely still between the middle of the room. "Mr. Weasley," he started, rubbing his temples, "that is quite possibly the worst and most extremely wrong answer that I have ever been given. God have mercy on your soul."  
  
At this exact time, Hermione burst into the room, her hair flying wildly about her face. She was carrying several large books in her arms, and quickly ran to her desk, sitting as quickly as she could, and then letting out a large sigh.  
  
"Mrs. Granger, how lovely of you to join us today." The professor scoffed, eyeing her. "Tell me, what was so important that you missed half of my class?"  
  
Everyone, including Ron and Harry turned to see what her miraculous answer would be, seeing as how she could get out of almost anything. "Well," She smiled, "I couldn't find you. I went to the graveyard and you weren't there, and then I went to Professor Dumbledore's office, but you weren't there either, and I even went to this cute candy store and there was this little old lady with a mustache, but it wasn't you either."  
  
Silence.  
  
"It didn't occur to you to check, oh I don't know, this class room in the dungeons, since that's where I spend my entire pathetic life? Oh, here's a good one, you have me for a teacher this PERIOD right NOW, and you didn't think to check here?" The professor asked, sarcasm dripping from every word.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Since when?" Hermione gasped. "I don't have you until at least another hour from now."  
  
"What?" Asked Snape.  
  
"What?" Asked Hermione  
  
"What?" Asked Narrator.  
  
"Hey, did Ron tell you the moose story? Huh? Huh? With the moose, and the belly button, and the blood? Huh, huh? And the candy cane with the leprechaun?"  
  
The Professor slowly turned away from the class, picked up his lucky rabbit's foot, looked up at the ceiling and mouthed "Why?" and then turned back to the students. He let out a sigh. "30 points from Gryffindor. Today we will make the Embratory Potion, one of the most difficult potions to create. It takes an extreme amount of concentration and skill and I'm only giving it to you so you'll fail and realize how pathetic you are." Narrator smiles. "Now, I'm not going to tell you what will happen if you perform the potion correctly. If any of you twits actually do, which is when London is taken over by egg plants, then I will gladly give you the counter-potion, which is that small vial on top of my desk."  
  
Everyone turned to the professor's desk. No vial was in sight.  
  
"Any questions?" Snape sneered?  
  
"Um, professor, where is the-"  
  
"Good. Now, everyone, the directions are on the board. You may start."  
  
With the counter-potion nowhere in sight, everyone was reluctant to begin. After Neville's exploded before he even picked anything up, though, everyone started.  
  
Now, who knows what's going to happen, hmm? Of course, Hermione's is going to turn out perfectly, (Evil Author glare), and everyone else's is going to suck eggs. Happy eggs? Oh yeah.  
  
"Okay," the professor cheered, "Time! All you losers, stop!" (Everyone stops except for large moose sitting in the back, working tediously.)  
  
"Mr. Potter, how did yours turn out?" The professor asked.  
  
"I think it turned out nicely." Harry said, poking his chest out.  
  
"Drink it."  
  
Harry turned to his potion, and chugged it in one gulp. "Now what happens?" Harry asked, bewildered.  
  
In only a short amount of time, the entirely room was filled with gasping and whispering, until finally they all broke out into huge, bellowing laughs.  
  
"What's so funny?" Harry said, smiling as if he knew the butt of the joke.  
  
"Mr. Potter," Snape smiled, "as lovely as that shade of pink is on your boxers, would you kindly put your pants back on so we can continue?"  
  
Harry scrunched his eyes together, and then turned his head down, hoping that it wouldn't be true. But once his eyes opened, all he could see was himself wearing a lovely pair of boxers covered with small hearts as his pants lay ominously on the ground.  
  
He gasped, pulling at his pants, but they wouldn't budge from the ground. The class continued to snicker, as he gave a loud, girly shriek, and ran out of the room, boxers and all.  
  
(Scary part is that he usually wears undies with pictures of Uncle Vernon posing nude. I wonder what happened to those?) : Narrator blushes:  
  
Although it was already foreseen, the same thing happened all the way around the room. Ron recited a poem he had written for Luna, Neville grew a uni-boob, Draco admitted his love for Disney© Movies (especially Bambi), Goyle was found wearing ballet slippers, and Crabbe tried to get a "Save The House-Elves" sign unattached from his hand, but it was as if it were glued, and wouldn't come off.  
  
Secretly, Hermione poured the potion into her mouth, hoping that nothing horrible would happen to her. She wanted to see if everything had turned out perfectly, but since she didn't know what would happen if she succeeded, she was anxious to find out.  
  
Nothing happened at first. She sat just as still and calm as ever. But then her eyes started twitching, and her stomach started to churn painfully. She let out a loud moan, and grabbed at her tummy, but that was when everything turned upside down.  
  
Her pupils dilated, her mouth watered, and that was when thoughts came in. Everyone's thoughts, hopes, and dreams flooded into her mind at once. They soon disappeared, and all her brain would give her were embarrassing moments and wishes from every student and teacher in Hogwarts.  
  
Before she knew what was happening a smile grew across her face. "Oh, Professor Snape, it's not true is it?" She yelled across the room.  
  
He stopped laughing and looked at her. "What was that, Miss Granger?" He asked.  
  
"Oh nothing, it's just that.well." She sighed.  
  
His eyes widened. "Miss Granger, where's your potion?"  
  
"Professor, it's come to my attention that you think Lord of the Rings is better."  
  
All of the students gasped.  
  
Sweat dotted the professor's forehead. "What a complete lie, Granger, don't be ridiculous."  
  
"No, you do. You think Legolas is hot. You think his tights are sexy."  
  
"Do not!"  
  
Hermione jumped from her seat, and rushed to his desk.  
  
"Granger, get away from there!" Snape screamed, lunging. But it was too late.  
  
"Then what is THIS?" She cried, lifting up a small picture.  
  
It was a photo of Orlando Bloom winking, wearing dark red lipstick. It had a small note on the side in the elf's handwriting:  
  
Dear Sevvy,  
Thanks for the lovely evening. Hope to see you soon.  
  
Love,  
  
Orli  
  
More gasps from the room.  
  
"No, it's not true, lies lies!!!" Snape screamed.  
  
"But that's not all, is it Professor?" Hermione cried evilly.  
  
"La la la, I can't hear you! La la la!" The professor hummed, fingers tightly in his ears.  
  
Hermione pulled a collection of Lord of the Rings merchandise from under his desk. Orlando Bloom keychains, perfume, t-shirts, coffee mugs, and even an Orlando Bloom dog collar.  
  
"200 points from Gryffindor!" He yelled. "I mean it, young lady!"  
  
"I don't care, Sevvy! I'm out of control, and if you come anywhere near me, I'll break the coffee mug!" Hermione giggled, running around the room insanely.  
  
Snape gasped. "You wouldn't dare!" He screamed, his cheeks already in a bright red color.  
  
Hermione just smiled, and ran out of the room, laughing maliciously with all of the collectables. The entire room was really quiet for a long time. Snape was crying, Ron was playing cards with the moose, and Neville was grooming his uni-boob.  
  
"Professor," Draco asked, "are you going to be able to stop Hermione anytime soon?"  
  
"I didn't bring the counter- curse potion, it's at Orl-.my place, and I can't get it back for at least two or three days, because that's when I.come back from my vacation from making the movie." Snape sniffled, wiping away tears.  
  
"Can't we just make one, then?"  
  
"No, it would take months to make it, the ingredients aren't cheap. The only thing we can do is.wade it out."  
  
Harry slowly raised his hand, covered with a Gryffindor blankie. "What about the rest of us?"  
  
Snape giggled. "You twit, you performed the spell wrong, but just like Hermione, it'll die down in a couple of days. I did bring a potion to fix you idiots who performed it wrong, which I was hoping would be all of you, but I have decided to not give it to you."  
  
The class let out a groan. Neville smiled joyfully.  
  
"Oh, and Mr. Potter," Snape smiled, "Come by after class, and I think we can solve your boxer problem."  
  
Harry gulped. "Who's 'we'?"  
  
Snape growled sexily, showed him the picture of Orlando, and winked.  
  
The world was scared.  
  
**End of Chapter One***  
  
Hey, guys, hoped you like Chapter One, I'm not serious about the weird gay thing though. It's just funny. Ta ta. 


	2. In Which Hermione Scares McGonagall

Chapter Two  
  
Professor McGonagall was working tediously at her desk, her quill rushing across the parchment. She had so much work to do that it seemed like it would be days before she ever finished. Why was she always loaded down with work? Why couldn't Snape get more? Then she remembered what he did everyday after school to calm his nerves, and shuddered. I mean, she had seen some pretty disturbing things, but stuffing peanut butter in your. well, okay, nevermind. It was just too scary to think about.  
  
As she was writing, she heard her door open, but once she looked up, no one was to be found. She took off her glasses, cleaned them, put them back on, saw a disco fever giraffe with a fro, took the glasses off and cleaned them again, then looked up, but the room seemed empty.  
  
She shrugged and went back to work.  
  
"HEY PROFESSOR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"  
  
The professor let out a girlish shriek, and quickly looked up to find Hermione sitting in front of her. Now, McGonagall was usually swift at figuring things out, but when it came to Hermione, she was always baffled. I mean, Hermione's nose was just so pointy, and sharp, like she could pop balloons or cut cantaloupe.  
  
Still, she had to smile. "Hello, Miss Granger, how are you today?"  
  
Hermione said nothing. She just stared at McGonagall like she had something in her teeth.  
  
"Hermione?"  
  
"Professor, when was the last time you got laid?"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"You know, shot the star, got frisky, got you thang on, humped, had sex? Because it just seemed like you've been really lonely lately."  
  
McGonagall's mind raced with thoughts. First she wanted to hit Hermione right smack in the ear, I mean eye, but then again, and she just wanted to tell her the truth about how she was having sex with-  
  
Suddenly Hermione gasped. "Professor! I've heard some sick rumors, but DUMBLEDORE?"  
  
McGonagall gasped. "Miss Granger, this has gone far enough! I insist that you get out!"  
  
"Is it true? Is it really true?" Hermione pleaded.  
  
"Of course not, now out!"  
  
"Then who's," Hermione pointed her finger at the wooden table, "under your desk!"  
  
"No one!"  
  
Hermione let out a crazy noise, sounding like some strange cult scream, and threw the desk over.  
  
Professor Dumbledore sat innocently on the floor, drawing with some crayons.  
  
"Aha!" Hermione screamed. "Is it true, Professor Dumbledore?"  
  
Dumbledore smiled, nodding, and gave out a giddy squeak.  
  
Hermione gasped, McGonagall put her head in her hands, Dumbledore continued to glue macaroni noodles to his paper, and Voldemort won Go Fish.  
  
Once McGonagall sat on the floor in a fetal position, Hermione left the room humming, searching for her next victim.  
  
Suddenly, Harry rushed into the room, his pants dragging behind him. "Professor McGonagall, have you seen Hermione? If you do, don't talk to her!"  
  
McGonagall began to sway back and forth, her thumb in her mouth.  
  
Harry felt weird looking at that.  
  
Uh huh he did.  
  
"Excuse me Dumbledore, but what's wrong with McGonagall?"  
  
Dumbledore's wise gray eyes met Harry's olive green. "Harry, there are so many things that we will never be able to understand. Life has taken you to a new time and place. Things will never be what they seem."  
  
There was silence.  
  
"So," Harry began, "new art?"  
  
Dumbledore smiled, "Oh, yes, this one's quite a piece of work. It's taken me over seven days to make."  
  
More silence.  
  
"Is it two dogs playing Tennis?"  
  
"Harry, it's an ostrich."  
  
"Oh, OHHHH! Yeah, yeah, now I see it."  
  
**To Be Continued in the Next Chapter** 


End file.
